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105 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners

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Listed here are 100 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our personal round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends each previous and current.

Best jokes from comedians

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine

“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen Okay. Amos

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg

“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang

“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne

Learn extra: 105 of the best clear jokes and one-liners

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“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett

“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney

“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis

Learn extra: 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are literally humorous)

“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett

“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp

“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When

“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican

“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis

stewart francis pullquote jokesStewart Francis is a grasp of the one-liner

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Lengthy

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr

Learn extra: 105 of the best dangerous jokes

“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans

“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wooden

I stated to the fitness center teacher: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He stated: “How flexible are you?”
I stated: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper

Learn extra: 100 of the funniest brief jokes that may have you ever laughing in seconds

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker

“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter

“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton

“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

Basic one-liners

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed right into a practice load of terrapins. What a turtle catastrophe!

I backed a horse final week at 10 to at least one. It got here in at quarter previous 4.

I went right down to my native grocery store and I stated: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He stated: “Those are pickled onions.”

A person entered an area paper’s pun contest. He despatched in 10 totally different puns, in the hope that a minimum of one of the puns would win. Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

I used to be having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a verify tablecloth. It took them two hours to move the salt.

4 fonts stroll right into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”

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I’m in an excellent temper tonight as a result of the different day I entered a contest and I gained a yr’s provide of Marmite – one jar.

I noticed this man and lady wrapped in a barcode. I stated: “Are you two an item?”

I cleaned the attic with the spouse the different day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Learn extra: 31 Best Man jokes that may work for any wedding ceremony

I despatched my girlfriend an enormous pile of snow. I rang her up and stated: “Did you get my drift?”

A sandwich walks right into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A jumplead walks right into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

I met a Dutch woman with inflatable footwear final week, phoned her up for a date however she’d popped her clogs.

I went to purchase camouflage trousers however I couldn’t discover any.

Went to the docs and stated: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

Learn extra: 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes

A person walks right into a bar with a roll of Tarmac underneath his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I’m on a whisky food regimen. I’ve misplaced three days already.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He stated: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I requested. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was sensible.

Police arrested two youngsters yesterday. One was consuming battery acid, the different was consuming fireworks. They charged one – and let the different one off.

Went to the zoo. There was just one canine in it. It was a shitzu.

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A skeleton walks right into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A grasshopper walks right into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”

I went to the docs the different day and he stated: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I acquired it.

Went to the nook store – purchased 4 corners.

I met this gangster who pulls up the again of individuals’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I’ll inform you what I really like doing greater than something – making an attempt to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly include myself.

My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.

I’ve received a pal who’s fallen in love with two faculty luggage. He’s bisatchel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak have been chilly. However once they lit a fireplace in the craft, it sank, proving as soon as and for all that you could’t have your kayak and warmth it.

A few month earlier than he died, my uncle had his again coated in lard. After that, he went downhill quick.

Did you hear about the man whose entire left aspect was minimize off? He’s all proper now.

Cringe-worthy (however amusing) puns

A person simply assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

Learn extra: 100 pun-based jokes that may make you giggle and cringe

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they end up.

My colleague can not attend subsequent week’s Innuendo Seminar so I’ve to fill her slot as an alternative.

I’m an enormous fan of whiteboards. I discover them fairly re-markable.

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I’m studying a horror story in Braille. One thing dangerous is about to occur… I can really feel it.

I purchased some footwear from a drug supplier. I don’t know what he laced them with, however I’ve been tripping all day.

Simply burned 2,000 energy. That’s the final time I depart brownies in the oven whereas I nap.

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It led to a tie!

Thanks for explaining the phrase “many” to me, it means so much.

The longer term, the current and the previous walked right into a bar. Issues obtained a bit tense.

My cross-eyed spouse and I simply obtained a divorce. I came upon she was seeing somebody on the aspect.

I lately heard a few model that misplaced all of his pals. He was too garments minded.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at college? It’s okay. He awakened.

My girlfriend informed me she was leaving me as a result of I maintain pretending to be a Transformer. I stated, “No, wait! I can change.”

And a few jokes for the youngsters

Why do bananas need to placed on sunscreen earlier than they go to the seashore? As a result of they could peel!

What do you name a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!

The place do cows go for leisure? To the moo-vies!

How have you learnt if there’s an elephant beneath your mattress? Your head hits the ceiling!

What do you name a cow with no legs? Floor beef!

Learn extra: 100 of the best jokes for teenagers which might be truly humorous

What do you name a pig that is aware of karate? A pork chop!

Why are ghosts dangerous liars? As a result of you possibly can see proper by way of them!

Why do bees have sticky hair? As a result of they use honey combs!

What do you name an alligator in a vest? An investigator!

Why did the man run round his mattress? As a result of he was making an attempt to make amends for his sleep!

What do you name a dinosaur that’s sleeping? A dino-snore!

Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? As a result of she was stuffed.

What has ears however can’t hear? A subject of corn.

What did the left eye say to the proper eye? Between us, one thing smells!

What did one plate say to the different plate? Dinner is on me!

Extra humorous jokes:

100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are literally humorous)
16 of Barry Chuckle’s biggest jokes
34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes
30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes
26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes
21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners
45 of the funniest eight out of 10 Cats jokes
41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners
19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians
30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes
43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes
100 pun-based jokes that may make you snicker and cringe
50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke
31 Best Man jokes that may work for any wedding ceremony
100 of the funniest brief jokes that may have you ever laughing in seconds
105 of the best dangerous jokes
105 of the best clear jokes and one-liners
50 soccer jokes to make you snort – or groan
100 of the best jokes for teenagers which are truly humorous
25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes
49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes
45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes
17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously humorous jokes
27 of Sarah Millican’s chuckle out loud jokes
50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners
50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes
25 of Charlie Brooker’s most chopping jokes and insults
25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners
75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips
30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland

And a few quotes:

23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and probably unscripted) quotes)
35 of Blackadder’s most crafty quips and insults
29 of the most outlandishly humorous Mighty Boosh quotes
20 of the most absurdly humorous quotes from Nathan Barley
39 of the biggest Brass Eye and Day Right now quotes
25 of the most outrageous Summer time Heights Excessive quotes
25 of Rik Mayall’s biggest quotes
25 of the funniest ever Nonetheless Recreation quotes
50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes
Pink Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
Derry Women: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners
25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier
25 of the most ‘textbook’ Alan Partridge quotes
50 of the best strains from Peep Present
20 of The Younger Ones’ most gloriously foolish quotes

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